The Amazing Antics of Sir Zenic
by Drgonstar
Summary: Meet Sir Zenic. A treasure hunter on a mission. A mission to find a very special gun. Of course, what would a story be without several obstacles for him to overcome? Join him as he wades through snake loving bandits, gangs of midgets, and meets a few new friends on the way.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Koshka (The unnamed girl in my fic) belongs to BeautifullyHorrid on deviantart. Sir Zenic, however, is mine...all mine

The Amazing Antics of Sir Zenic

Treasure. Treasure can be found anywhere, from the junk pile in your closet to an exotic jungle in the far reaches of Quotar-9. Treasure is also the thing that keeps me going. For you see I am treasure hunter, but not just any treasure hunter. I am Sir Zenic, Treasure Hunter extraordinaire! And when I first heard news about the Vault on the planet Pandora you bet it became twenty-ninth on my list of treasures to go for. Of course, after I finish trudging through the ice planet of Velsivar and turning my butt cheeks into icicles I finally set out for Pandora. On my way there though, I heard that the Vault had already been opened. This greatly saddened me, but a planet such as Pandora should have loads of treasure. After all, it is known as the Inner System's junkyard for a reason…right? Anyways, on the flight to Pandora I heard another, juicer rumor. Supposedly the Dahl Corporation had once tried to find the Vault on Pandora but had failed. When they left they left behind something important to them. It was a prototype for a revolutionary types of gun. It was a Sniper rifle that could change into a Submachine gun and a Combat rifle. Something like that just warmed the cockles of my heart. What is a cockle you ask? I have no idea. But the mere thought of a gun like that got me going! So I did what any sensible man would do. Before the ship landed in the Port of opportunity, I got in an escape pod and shot it toward the surface of Pandora. Besides, checking in with customs on the planet would waste so much needed time. My bullet shaped escape pod hit the planet and sent me flying a few feet into the air as I rammed into a pole. Now this would have killed any normal man but I, Sir Zenic Treasure Hunter Extraordinaire, am a trained treasure hunter. It was easy for me to recover from something like this. I looked at my surroundings and noticed that I had found myself smack in the middle of the road by a bus stop.

"Day one of my quest for the Dahl Prototype," I said, "I have arrived on Planet Pandora and I am currently at some kind of bus stop. I will find out exactly where on the planet I am and I will get back to you," I said and shut it off. I looked around and saw a building that said in faded Neon letters, "Fyrestone Bus Stop" I remarked on how quick I had found out where I was and walked down a long and winding road. I have noticed that the road was decorated with various corpses of bandits who had been shot up. Some were missing arms, others were missing heads, and some were just small blood stains on the ground. I soon came to a small town with a few buildings, including a bar, a gun store, and what looked like a medical bay. I saw someone who looked like a doctor approach me.

"You don't look so good," He said and a deepish voice.

"It is nothing," I said as I tried to stop my now bleeding nose, "A few health vials and I'll be good as new."

The doctor reached into his pocket and took out a few vials and handed them to me, "Free of charge," he said as I took them and healed myself, "The name's Zed. I keep the medical equipment running. More or less."

"Very well!" I exclaimed to the entire town, "But if you excuse me! I must find Dahl's old base of operations!"

"Ya might want to check out the Dahl Headland," Zed said, "It is just to the west of here."

"Very well I shall be on my way!" I exclaimed and began to walk away. Zed tried to yell something but it probably wasn't important. I walked past a graveyard where the tombstones were pieces of junk before exiting town. The second I left, several men with brown snake skin jackets and pants came up to me with combat rifles.

"Hey! You're in Anaconda's territory, get out." One said.

"I don't see his name on it," I said, "I will go as I please!"

"Anaconda won't like that," Another one growled as he pointed his rifle at me, "But I guess we could let walk free if you do something for us."

"And that is?" I asked them.

"There is a woman we need you to eliminate in Fyrestone. She's also seeking passage into the Dahl headland. We'll only let one of you through," The bandit smiled, "Whoever is alive after one day will get passing rights."

I blinked, "Very well. I shall return with the woman!" I said and walked off.

"Wait! No! You're supposed to kill her!" The bandit exclaimed, but I didn't care. Besides I thought they would want a jolly good show! With that I headed to the bar of Fyrestone. Or at least that is what I think the town's name was. Why else would I have been at the Fyrestone bus stop if it wasn't the town of Fyrestone. And why was fire spelled with a y instead of an i. This question haunted me until I reached the bar. I looked around and saw an odd sight. I saw a woman with long neon green hair. That was a red flag. Second off she had a tail like a lions with Neon green fur. Another red flag. She had on a black vest with a dirty undershirt, stockings, and tatter short jeans. She also had elf ears and strange green markings on her chest and shoulder, neck, and legs. Two more red flags. Why am I saying red flags? Because any treasure hunter knows that the stranger the person, the more likely they are to be an ally. I walked up to her.

"Excuse me, miss," I said before she shot up and pointed a gun at me, I held my hands up.

"Who are you and what do you want?" She growled.

"I heard that you were looking for access to the Dahl headland," I said.

The girl stood up, still keeping the rifle pointed at me, "Let me guess, those bandits sent you to kill me?"

"How did you deduce that?" I exclaimed.

"Those bandits have been making bets on how many people I would kill before someone finally got the better of me," She laughed, "I guess they'll be sad when I cast your corpse out of Fyrestone."

"Wait!" I exclaimed, "Listen, I had no idea I was being sent to kill you!"

The girl looked at me, "With that old vest, fedora, and those brown jeans with no sight of blood at all?" She put her gun down, "Normally the men sent to kill me have at least a little blood on their shirts. Fine, I'd probably kill you in an instant anyways."

Okay, well she's in a talking mood now, I thought and began to talk, "Listen, why don't we try taking out Anaconda and his gang?"

The girl's face gave an ever so joyous grin, "Finally, someone smart. Well we're going to need a plan and I have just the idea."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well I'm going to need you, a piece of my clothing, and a whole lot of guns," The girl smiled.

"I like your idea already," I laughed.


	2. Chapter 2

The Amazing Antics of Sir Zenic Chp. 2

Well…today was turning out to be exciting. Not only had I landed on the planet Pandora and started my search for the Dahl Prototype, but I had also been held up by bandits and meet a strange girl with neon green hair and tattoos of the same color. Right now, I was conversing with her on how we would be able to get rid of the bandits who controlled this area.

"So your plan, requires me, your clothing, and a bunch of guns," I said as the girl nodded, "So how exactly are we going to the guns we need for something such as this?"

"Glad you asked," The girl smiled, "You see there is a little encampment of bandits not far from this town who work for Anaconda."

"So we're going to kill bandits for their weapons?" I asked.

"No," She said.

"Then we're just going to quietly steal them?"

"No, now shut up and listen. You see, we're pretty much going to storm the place," She said, "But that is only part one of the plan."

"And part two?"

"Part two will require a scrap of my clothing; you are going to present it to the bandits as proof that you have killed me. They will, no doubt take you to their leader, Anaconda, who will find some way to try and kill you."

"And you know this because?"

"They tried to do the same thing to me after I completed one of their little missions."

"Oh! Okay! So, shall we sally forth and conquer the bandit camp?"

"No, we need to change your clothes so that the bandits don't recognize you as the man who shot up one of their camps with a girl they want to kill. Follow me." The two of us headed to a small house as the girl opened the door and let me in. I looked around. The house was bigger on the outside that it was on the inside. Turns out this dreary place was a one room house with a kitchen on the left hand side and a bed direction across from the kitchen. There was a small table and a couch to the north of the room by a boarded up window. The only source of light was a ceiling fan that looked like it was going to crash any minute and a lamp that looked like it had been compiled out of random junk and things. The girl went over to the bed and pulled out some clothes from under it. We found a black colored topless shirt and a black skirt.

"Am I going to have to wear that?" I asked with the slightest bit of regret, the girl just tossed me the clothes as I took a heavy sigh. After a quick changing session I could see why women always took so long to come out of the dressing room putting on this outfit was a challenge in and of itself. I took off my fedora and put it in a little brown pack back I always carry, "Let's get going, I believe my legs are already beginning to chafe."

"You wouldn't last one second as a girl," The woman sighed.

"Then it is a good thing I am a man!" I exclaimed, "On another note, what is your name?"

"Koshka," The woman said, "You?"

"I am Sir Zenic, Treasure Hunter Extraordinaire!" I happily proclaimed.

"Is the treasure hunter extraordinaire really needed?" Koshka asked me.

"Yes," I smiled, "Yes it is!"

Koshka rolled her eyes as we continued set foot out of Fyrestone. Not ten feet from the town was a small bandit camp constructed from various metallic things sitting on the hill.

"Meet you there," Koshka said as she suddenly vanished. I scratched my head.

"How could she have possibly done that?" I asked myself, "Maybe she's one of those siren people I keep hearing about?" but I had bigger problems to worry about as I ran to the bandit camp in my dress. When I got there, the bandits gave me many odd looks.

"Are you lost freak?" One bandit asked me.

"No…I was supposed to meet someone in this exact spot." I said and pointed to the ground below me.

"Yeah…we have no meetings scheduled in that spot so we're just gonna have to kill ya!" A second bandit said as he pulled out a sniper rifle, "Say good night you abomination!" that instant I drew a revolver and pointed it at the bandit.

"Trusty Teddy doesn't like it when you make fun of me," I said, "and when he gets mad, he does things…horrible things."

The bandits began to crack up, "That is the stupidest name for a weapon ever!" The one with the sniper said as he couldn't help but laugh. Unfortunately for him, that breath was his last as he soon had a hole in between his eyes from my little friend.

"Like I said, he gets mad," I smirked.

"Get'em boys!" A bandit yelled as he drew a combat rifle. I ducked behind a wall as I could hear the bandits walk closer. I peeked out from cover and shot another bullet. This time, I hit one in the leg. I fired again. Arm shot. Finally, head shot. The man's head exploded as he fell to the floor.

"Hey freak! I got somethin' for ya!" One bandit yelled and tossed a grenade at me. It fell right at my feet as I picked it up and tossed it back.

"Happy birthday!" I yelled as I threw it.

The bandit picked it up and threw it at me, "Merry Christmas!" he shouted

"Happy I'mgoingtodietoagrenade day!" I exclaimed and threw the grenade one more time.

"What kind of day is that?" The bandit said just before the grenade exploded and sent his body parts, and the body parts of his friends, flying.

"That was easy," I said as I gave a sigh of relief. Just then, three over muscular men wielding rocket launchers came into view.

"Hey, boys! Anaconda wants you to…" The men paused as they looked at me, "Did you do this?"

"Yes?" I said blankly.

"You're going to die!" A brute said and fired a rocket launcher. I reached into my back and pulled out a medium-sized gem that looked like a twenty sided dice as my eyes began to glow purple. I put Trusty Teddy away as I fired a blast of kinetic energy at one and send him flying into a wall. Of course the rocket from the other one was still flying at me, but I managed to deflect it with another kinetic blast. Then my eyes stopped glowing.

"Oh bugger," I said as the brutes prepared to fire their rockets. Out of nowhere though, Koshka appeared and dumped a shotgun round into the back of one of the brute's heads before turning the other one into a human version of Swiss cheese with her Sub-machine gun. The brute that had found himself on the wall came to his senses just to eat several more SMG bullets.

"I'll admit you actually can fight," Koshka smirked, "And you look even better in that dress."

I grumbled to myself as we noticed a small shack with the door closed. Koshka tried to open it, but it was locked tight. I had another idea however as I pulled out my artifact again and shot a kinetic blast which sent the door flying from its hinges before it whack an unlucky wolf…thingy, I think it is called a skag on this world, that wandered into the campsite. In the shack were two red chests.

"Do you think these will be enough guns?" I asked Koshka.

"I think so, depends on what we get," She said as she and I both opened one of the chests. A desert camo-painted sniper lay in the chest that I had opened. I knew right off the bat that this was a weapon made by the Dahl Corporation. I picked it up and pretended to fire it. It seemed useful for now. Next to it were a few sniper rifle bullets. I looked at Koshka who was wielding a repeater pistol that had a green tube around where the ammo was.

"That looks like it could do some damage!" I exclaimed.

"It sure will," Koshka smirked, "Now, are you ready for phase two?"

"Just one thing," I said, "Can I take these clothes off now?"


	3. Chapter 3

The Amazing Antics of Sir Zenic Chp. 3

I looked at Koshka, who in turn looked at me, "So can I take these female clothes off?" I asked her. She nodded.

"Excuse me, but I will need some privacy while I resume my normal treasure hunting attire," I said as I motioned for Koshka to leave the storage room where she and I had picked up two nice guns. After a few more seconds, I came out with my regular clothes on, "Now I am ready for phase two!"

Koshka nodded, "Once Anaconda's gang lets you into their hideout I need you to distract them. Keep their attention off the fuel tanks near the entrance to their real base," I nodded as Koshka handed me a scrap of clothing, "Don't mess up."

"Messing up is not in my vocabulary," I smirked as Koshka vanished into thin air. With that I left the bandit camp as the bandits from earlier, still dressed in brown snake skin attire, approached me.

"Hey did you kill who we asked you to?" One said. I took out the scrap of clothing Koshka had given me, "Yep, this is legit. You know, our leader, Anaconda could have use of your services."

I thought for a second, "Then can you please take me to her?"

"That's what we were already planning on doing," One bandit said as he pointed a combat rifle at my face, "Now come with us slave," The bandit gang escorted me deeper into what I believe are called badlands as they approached the exterior of a mine. There were two gas tanks sitting on the edge of a well-kept building, seriously! I could have sworn that building was only recently built. They hit me with the barrel of the gun as I kept walking. I looked around and noticed that there were more bandits dressed in the same snake skin attire.

"I see you're all huge fans of snakes," I said, "You know I once saw a snake that was huge!"

"How big are we talking?" One bandit asked.

"I'm talking at least sixty feet. It was called The Hair of Goliath. Of course the really name is the Strangeon Jungle snake. And they only really average in about thirty feet. There are some though that grow to be twice as big thanks to a genetic mutation." I began to explain.

"That sounds like a bunch of hooey," One bandit said.

"Oh put it is not, have you ever seen some of your members wearing huge green and black stripped clothes?" I asked them.

"You mean like what Anaconda wears?"

"I would assume so, that is the skin of the Strangeon Jungle snake. The skin is highly valued on their home planet of Ketor but has been sold in other galactic markets for high prices. They say having one will bring the wearer extraordinary luck." I caught Koshka out of the corner of my eye setting up some explosives, "Yes, in fact there have been wars started because of the beast's skin!" The bandits were enthralled with my story as I had no choice to continue, "One such war was the Philzian Massacre. Two factions on the planet Kulion were after this one woman…" I continued until the bandits had almost fallen asleep and Koshka finished setting the charges. The second I finished my story the bandits woke up and continued to escort me to what looked like a prison cell. All the way though they listened to my stories on all different kinds of snakes that I had gathered from previous adventures. When we got to the hut however, I was thrown in a cell. Next to me was a man with slicked brown hair and orange glasses and a bandana over his face was next to me.

"So they got you too huh?" He said.

"I guess," I shrugged, "But I plan on getting out of here."

The man laughed, "And how do you plan on doing that?"

I put my finger on my lip, "You see, I met this girl in Fyrestone who is helping me take out these bandits so that I can…"

"Stop right there," The man said, "A girl in Fyrestone is helping you?" I nodded, "Does she have neon green hair?" He asked as I nodded again, "A tail that looks like a lions?" I affirmed his question. He smirked, "I knew Koka would be back."

"You know her?" I inquired.

"Yes I do," The man said, "I'm Volkair."

"And I am Sir Zenic, Treasure Hunter Extraordinaire!" I trumpeted.

"With a name like that I thought you'd been killed a long time ago," Volkair laughed, "Now you mentioned something about Koshka?"

I nodded, "You see she set some charges by the fuel tanks near the beginning of the base."

"Then she must want Anaconda really dead,"

"Of course she does, who wouldn't?"

I heard a strange sound as Koshka appeared in front of the cell and easily picked the lock.

"Koka," Volkair smirked.

"I told ya I'd get you out of here Volk!" She said and tossed Volk an S and S sniper rifle, "Now we need to take down Anaconda this time!"

"You said it!" Volkair said and readied his weapon. The three of us ran out of the hut as a bandit caught sight of us.

"Sound the – " the bandit was interrupted when Volkair's sniper rifle sent a bullet right through his head and sent the bandit flying a few feet back before he fell to the ground.

"Nice shot," I said.

Volkair just laughed, "Thank you!" However, an alarm did go off as several bandits came from nowhere. The three of us took cover behind a small metal wall. Of course there was little room for all three of us so we had to act quickly. I took out my relic as my eyes glowed purple, I pushed my hand forward and sent one of the bandits into the wall before pulling out Trusty Teddy and fired a shot. I had managed to hit a bandit, but it didn't seem to do too much damage. I then ducked behind a tall metal sheet sticking out from a pipe line. Koshka took out her repeater pistol and fired twice as she hit a bandit's stomach twice. The acid in the gun began to eat away at the man as he cried out in pain. Volkair then popped up from cover and hit the man with a sniper shot before hitting another bandit in the heart. The two bandits that were left ran for back up as I managed to kill one with a shot from my sniper rifle. Soon, the one bandit came back with some friends and one of those brutes. Koshka instantly disappeared and reappeared behind two bandits as she filled them with SMG bullets as a well place grenade from Volkair took out two more. Now it was just me and that brute. I pulled out Trusty Teddy and fired a full round into the man's stomach, however, they didn't seem to affect him that much.

Drat, I thought to myself as I reloaded and fired all of the bullets again. It didn't seem to matter, the brute kept getting closer.

"Why don't you try going for the head!" Koshka shouted.

I novel idea! I thought as I fired one bullet at the man's head and sent him to the afterlife, "Thanks Koshka!"

The lion tailed girl gave me a look of disbelief before shaking her head and moving forward. About two seconds later a wall of bullets flew toward us.

"Turrets!" Volkair exclaimed as he pulled Koshka into cover.

"What am I?" I said as I ducked behind a box, "Chopped liver?" Volkair shrugged as Koshka nodded, "Thanks," I sighed, "Now how exactly are we going to take care of those turrets?"

"Leave that to me," Koshka smiled as she vanished into thin air.

"You know, I never got to ask if she was a siren," I told Volkair.

"She is," He replied.

"Aha! My astute observation powers win the day again!" I exclaimed.

"It's a little obvious," Volkair sighed as he aimed down the scope of his rifle, "Good thing is that those turrets aren't operated remotely."

"You mean there are people on those turrets?" I asked him.

"So much for astute observation powers," Volkair sighed, "Yes." I took out my sniper rifle and tried to fire a shot, but that shot missed by a mile.

"Damn gun," I said under my breath before the two turrets fired at me. I sent back to hiding behind a small box as I prayed that it would at least last after this round of fire. The box did just that. But it was beaten up and wouldn't serve as good cover for the next wave of bullets. I rolled over to where Volkair was, "So do you think Koshka is going to appear soon?"

"She appears exactly when she means to," Volkair replied. Just then, Koshka appeared behind one of the men manning the turrets and shot him in the head with her acidic repeater pistol. The bullet easily ate through the man's brain as she tossed him off the turret, hopped in and opened fire on the second. This act completely obliterated the second turret and its user as Koshka signaled for us to head on up. We followed after her and now stood in front of a mine shaft with a snake head hanging over it. To the side of the mineshaft was a hastily scribbled sign that said Anaconda's Lair, Keep Out.

"Psh, since when do signs like this ever keep people out," I laughed as I heard the ground shake before me. A man with snake skin attire that had black spots with yellow lines separating them as two machine guns was now in front of us. It didn't help that he stood at least two feet above me. And I'm at least five foot two!

"Anaconda no like it when bad men come," The man said, "Anaconda send Diamondback to teach bad me lesson!"

"Oh!" I said, "So you're a teacher? What are you methods?" Koshka put her palm on her face.

"Bullets," Diamondback smiled as his machine guns began to whirr.

I gulped as I took out Trusty Teddy and Koshka pulled out her SMG. Volkair looked at Diamondback and readied his sniper rifle. It is times like this that make me regret ever looking into the treasure hunting profession.

Koshka and Volkair are owned by BeautifullyHorrid of Deviantart

Zenic belongs to me


End file.
